House Broken

Part 22-Final Chapter

2006-05-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

She drove with the windows down that day, even though it was something she rarely did. Her hair flapped in the thick, humid air, happy to be free as it danced its way around her face.

She allowed no one to come with her to court, mainly because they were on vacation. She wanted to be able to think of them when she was on the stand- sipping drinks by the ocean or making sand castles with the baby-and, as always, she did not want to be a burden.

As she made her way to the beach house, she let her thoughts peel away from her brain, stowing them deep inside so that she would never forget the scar that burned inside her heart. There was no need to over process or to run through the “what ifs”. It was done, and all she had to do was find her way through her new life.

“New life” became her secret mantra-the words that made up the song of her life-the salve the healed her scar. “New life” sustained her and made her realize that indeed, “though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.”*

It was fitting, then that her new ending would begin at the same place their love did years ago-at the beach. Sitting in the cool, damp sand, she hugged her legs to her chest and thanked God for everything she had and for giving her the strength to go on.

And God said “You’re Welcome” by setting the sun and starting a new day.

*Carl Bard

Part 21

2006-04-13T07:32:00.000-07:00

A handshake. She gave him her heart, and he gave her a handshake. A business-like, we sealed the deal handshake. She didn’t know why she expected anything more, they did, after all, just get divorced.

The proceedings went rather smoothly, after they were let back into the courthouse. They were lucky enough to be 2nd on the docket and therefore had little time to wait. The first case was short and sweet and she soon found herself sitting at the witness stand, speaking into a microphone.

The privilege of being the instigator.

In 15 minutes their lives were split and the knots they fought so hard to tie years earlier were dissolved. And all she got was a handshake.

“Well, take care of yourself.” He said as he stuck out his awkward hand.

She laughed. “Yeah. You too.” And took his hand in hers. She turned then, and rushed to the elevator, eager to enter before he and his lawyer could follow.

On the way down, she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. She was free now, to find the girl she once had been-the one who laughed more than cried, who made people smile, and who’s sense of adventure led her to meet strange and interesting people. But without someone to share it with, would it be as rewarding?

She smiled brightly at the people she passed on the way to her car. No one would have guessed by looking at her that 6 years of her life had just been taken away. No one would have thought that she was a woman scorned, an ex-wife who was cheated on, or a woman who did not know how she was going to pay her bills. No one knew because her eyes danced and her smile prevailed, and she held her head high, even when she wanted to cry.

And no one would have guessed that her broken heart was already mending itself.

Part 20

2006-04-06T07:30:00.000-07:00

She ran her shaking hand over her hair and smoothed away any strays that had come loose when she dressed. Her clothing was reserved-a knee length black tank dress with a baby pink cardigan, and sensible heals-even though nothing about this day was sensible.

D-day. The day her marriage would be officially over on paper. The day she got her name back, her hand back, and her key back.

But what she really wanted to know was when would she get her heart back.

Who would schedule that appointment, what paperwork did she have to file and how long would it take to process. There was no paperwork for the re-acquiring of your heart, she knew, and so she continued somberly preparing for what would always remain as the most awkward and surreal day of her life.

Nothing was ever ‘normal’ with them. There were strange meetings with people on vacations, outlandish signs, pigeons named Susie and theatrical productions by homeless people, of which they always had front row seats.

So it did not surprise her when the courthouse was evacuated due to a bomb threat.

Had this been any other man, she would have looked at this as a sign. She would have used this time to point out that God was trying to stop them from making a mistake and plead with him to reconsider.

But the damage was done, and she saw him for who he really was all of this time when she was blinded by her love for him. And to the sirens she smirked and to her husband, she smiled, knowing this was driving him mad.

She stood in the corner of the town green, watching people mill around anxiously, listening to conversations from deadbeat Dads to uninterested lawyers, and to ex-wives screaming at their ex-husbands. And she stood in the corner of the town green, watching her husband in that sea of strangers until he became one of them.

A while later, the stranger approached, stiff and confused, over dressed in his crisp blue button down and spotted blue tie. He was too skinny, and his eyes were sunken in, he seemed to be losing his hair by the minute.

He was familiar to her, she knew his eyes well, but before they were sunken and when his face was fuller and more alive.

“Hey” said the stranger. “Funny, huh?”

“I guess.”

“My lawyer just told me that we have about 2 hours before the building is cleared and the judge is calling everyone back into court at 2:30.”

“Great. That’s fantastic. What the hell are we supposed to do until then?” She let a little of the stress of the day seep out slowly, as though it found the tiniest crack in her foundation and needed to escape. She could almost hear it hissing.

“Well…are you hungry? We can go to lunch. I’m sure there are places to eat on Main Street. Are you up to it?” He was looking over her shoulder when he asked, as if to say, “I don’t really care if you say no.”

She sighed. What’s the point, she thought? Why bother? She knew he never kept his word, and she knew that unless she initiated it, they would never again be friends.

“Sure. But you are paying.” She conceded, as she walked passed him quickly, so his legs, which were shorter, could barely keep up. She waited just around the corner in front of the restaurant she chose. When he arrived, he looked up as she pointed and chuckled.

“Nice.” Was his only response to the sign that rested high above them.

It’s name: “First and Last Café”

Part 19

2006-03-24T00:43:00.000-08:00

It’s hard to say how she managed to get through those last few months-the ones she foolishly held onto with the secret hope of his return. She wandered a lot, walking aimlessly through life, fluttering numbly from place to place, person to person, hoping that something would make her feel again.

But with her broken heart and shattered pride, what mattered most was that she kept walking.

Hours turned to days, and they grew to weeks, and still, she kept on walking.

Her heart said, “Stop”. Her spirit said, “Don’t you dare”.

And one day, she remembered a poem he had given her on one of his visits to Massachusetts. And it made her feel.

“After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning,
and company doesn’t mean security.

And you learn that kisses aren’t contracts,
And presents aren’t promises,
And you being to accept your defeats,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn, that even sunshine burns if
you get too much.

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong…
That you really do have worth…
And you learn and learn…
With every goodbye you learn…”*

She remembered the day he gave it to her clearly. He just arrived from Florida and they sat in her dorm room, planning their short weekend. With a sheepish grin on his face, he turned to her and handed her a “barf bag” from the plane. On the back he was his hand written copy of a poem he knew she would love.

Little did she know that the goodbyes in the poem would be from him, and that she really could endure, and that she really was strong, and she really did have worth.

And with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, she kept on walking…

*Poem by Veronica A. Storffstall

Part 18

2006-03-16T07:19:00.000-08:00

The room was big, she knew that-but it looked even larger without furniture. When he left, he took even the lamps, and so there she sat, on the floor in the dark, wondering yet again, how this became her life.

She tried to convince herself that she would be ok, but as each minute passed, her tears grew heavier as the realization sunk in.

He was gone.

Over the last few months she rationalized with herself, her brain reminding her heart of the damage he caused, coaxing it slowly to harden so that it would never have to feel this way again. It wasn’t working.

She looked around the room they called the “family” room, knowing that the only families to fill it would belong to the new owners. Never would she watch as her children rounded the corner on Christmas morning, with their curiosity boiling over them like thick, frothy sweet cream.

Never would she know the joy of welcoming them home from school with freshly baked cookies before shooing them outside to explore the vast yard or perhaps to ride bikes up and down the hill. No, the only memories she would remember would be cold and lonely, and the only hope she had was shattered by the man who once helped write her dreams.

And now she sat in the dark, in the room they called the “family room”…alone.

Part 17

2006-03-13T16:54:00.000-08:00

Today, the warm Florida sun shining through the window brought dread. They brought an emptiness and a sorrow that she’d never felt before.

Today was the day she was leaving.

Her sadness was for her new self-a person she always wanted to be, but was never allowed to introduce to the world.

She mourned for her new friends, her smile that she knew would fade and for the man she knew she wanted to marry. She mourned because she was not certain her parents would let her come back.

This life made her grow, it made her think, and it expanded her spirit in ways that she could never imagine. For the first time in her life, she felt as though she belonged-and now she had to leave. Her heart crumbled at the sound of the alarm clock.

“It’s time baby.” He nuzzled his face in her neck and breathed deeply. He felt the dread too.

“I know. I just want to lay here for a minute. I just….it’s…I’m scared.” She cried softly into her pillow as he tightened his arms around her.

“We’ll be ok. We’ll make it work. That’s what you always say, right? You have to believe it if you say it. You have to…” Though he was trying to comfort her, his tone was pleading-begging her to tell him she still had faith.

“I do. I’m just sad. I’m going to miss this place so much. I don’t want to go back-I like who I am here and I like making people smile…and I like you.” She rolled over so they were face to face and kissed his button nose. “I love you.” She cried.

“I love you too.”

****

Because they knew the goodbye would be more emotional than either of them could imagine, they planned to part ways from the hotel. She knew the way to the train station and her car was already packed.

They walked to the parking lot hand in hand, tears streaming down their faces. When they reached her car, they stopped and turned to each other, their eyes searching, not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do. They were simply lost in their despair.

“This is it. It’s time.” He took her hand again and pressed it into his cheek. Choking back her sobs, she leaned in and kissed his soft, wet lips goodbye, not knowing if they would ever share a kiss again.

She wanted to freeze time and suspend their bodies forever with their lips touching so that the sweet promise of “forever” would always be near.

After one last look and a long hug, she turned and got into her car. Her stomach turned, her head pounded, and her heart-broke. The life that she created and the love that they shared, was no longer in her reach.

As she exited the property she looked in her rearview mirror and vowed to always hold a piece of the kingdom in her heart.

Part 16

2006-02-16T07:31:00.000-08:00

She looked around the room, at the ceiling, the lamp, and wondered if the feeling she had at that moment would last. Would they make it and would she get to experience this love in another time and another place?

She’d forever remember the set up of the hotel room-the first they shared together. She’d remember the round table in the corner and the bouquet of iris’s he had delivered for her before they checked in, and the lamp-she’d remember the lamp and the way it cast a shadow on his half of the bed.

While he showered, she dreamed of a day she did not even know might exist-a day when they were married.

Would their room look like this, or would their furniture be more practical? Would they have a place to read, a place to reflect, and would they have a bathroom, so that she could fall asleep to the sound of the shower replenishing her lovers’ skin, like raindrops in the spring.

She thought of their unborn children, and whether or not he would let them cuddle in bed with them when they had a nightmare, there bodies curled softly in their safety, their sweet breath rising and falling to the beating of her heart.

She wondered if he’d lose his hair, or if by some miracle she would get to see him gray. Would he acquire laugh lines or liver spots, or both?

She wondered if, when she went blind, if he would read to her, and if he went deaf, if he would remember the sound of her voice.
And then she fell asleep alone in the bed-her only companion, the shadow from the lamp near the round table in the corner.

Part 15

2006-02-09T00:32:00.000-08:00

“How long?”

He paused. He was deciding whether or not to lie to her. She knew because he hesitated just before he stuck his neck out. The answer did not matter. She simply wanted him to admit it.

“Nothing happened.” He said, his eyes darting, looking at anything, at everything, just so he did not have to look into her eyes.

“I don’t believe you. How long have you been with her? Does she even know that you are married?” Her voice was shaky and her volume was rising. Her patience was already short with him, but finding out that he brought infidelity into her life shortened it even more.

“DOES SHE KNOW?”

“Yes.”

“She’s a real stand up gal you’ve got there. Knowingly fooling around with someone else’s husband. Very respectable. It’s a match made in heaven.” She stared. Not because she wanted to soak in every line of his face like she used to and not because she adored the color of his eyes or the way his mouth curled-she stared because she knew it would make him uncomfortable.

“What do you want me to say?” He said impatiently.

“I want you to admit it. Admit that you had an affair.”

“I’m not admitting that.” He leaned his hand against the wall and crossed his legs.

“You’re a liar.” Her voice was calm, clear and confident.

“I don’t know how you can call yourself a man. A real man would have done this with dignity. A real man would have talked about things instead of hiding behind a fake depression. A real man would not have touched another woman until things were settled. You have lost all the respect I ever had for you. I admired you. Now you are just a shell of a man, and that's just sad.”

She turned then, and left him leaning on the wall. She thought about the day she painted the very place his hand was resting and was saddened by the thought of how much love and sweat they poured into that house, only to have it be broken.

Part 14

2006-02-05T20:50:00.000-08:00

She was good at keeping her sadness hidden. Her smile was bright enough to draw attention away from the fact that the twinkle in her eye was missing.

And she smiled a lot.

But he knew. He saw the void-the sadness that was slowly overcoming her as Christmas drew near and the realization that she would be far away from those she loved washed over her.

As he sat in the break room, he sunk back into his chair, closed his eyes and remembered her stories. They were wonderful stories of her loud and boisterous family and what seemed to him like 100 small cousins. Sometimes, if he looked close enough, he thought that he could actually see her spirit bubbling over with joy when she talked about them.

It broke his heart to see her sad, especially during Christmas-her favorite time of year. He understood her sadness though, because the same realization was slowly washing over him. Only his sadness was because she would soon be leaving.

*****

“Hi there-Why are you in a greeter costume and not the Main Street costume? I thought you had parade audience control tonight?”

“I had PAC, I switched so I could be up here.” She knew he would be disappointed. She checked his schedule earlier and noticed he was working PAC-most likely because he thought she was. His face fell.

"I was hoping to watch the Christmas parade with you. You haven’t actually watched it yet, and I want you to see if for the first time with me, from my favorite spot.”

“Oh…maybe I can come over once it starts. We’re usually slow up here while the parade is going, especially tonight.” It was the first night of a special month-long after hours Christmas party. She would not have guessed that he had a plan.

“Please try. I want you to see it with me for the first time.” His smile broadened. She noted the hint of pride in his voice; pride not only for where they worked, but also for this particular parade. She liked that he was a know-it-all, and that he felt connected to Main Street. It made her happy to know that when she went back home, he would be able to describe everything she was missing in detail.

“I’ll make it happen. I’ll meet you over there when it starts.” She leaned in and hugged him and skipped out of the break room, ready for a night of laughter and a special viewing of the Christmas Parade with the man she loved.

Part 13

2006-01-26T07:30:00.000-08:00

She didn’t know why-but she loved him. Everything about him told her to run, except for her heart, which pleaded with her to hold firm and enjoy the ride.

He liked to flirt; it was in his nature. Though it was common knowledge that most girls thought he was goofy, there were some, she was sure, that saw it as charming. After all, didn’t she?

He always had to be right. And when he was not, he would pout, making it difficult to move on until you let him have his way. A lot of her older friends told her to watch out for it, because eventually, they said, it would get old.

But most of all, he needed to be the center of attention, at every moment, of everyday; it was always about him.

And yet none of those flaws existed when she saw the look in his eyes whenever they gazed into hers.

His eyes, clear gray-blue, were always smiling when they were together. They told her without words that she completed him; that she was the one he had been waiting for his entire life.

They told her long, beautiful stories about his sadness and of the pieces of his heart he hoped that she could mend. They implored her to return and willed her to never give up on him, even though he knew that she should.

And her heart returned the call.

Part 12

2006-01-12T00:11:00.000-08:00

“Hello?”

“I just talked to the courthouse. Why didn’t you file our papers? This is very important and you didn't file them.”

“I most certainly did. They were filed the day after you were served.”

“They don’t have them. We can’t keep prolonging this. Do you realize what this means? We won’t be divorced for another 6 months if we don’t get this straightened out. How could you do this? I knew I should have taken care of it myself.”

He was always like that-making it seem like everything was her fault, and that he smarter. He always took other people’s sides, but never hers. She knew she should not expect support now, but even still, it stung.

“I did file them. I will call them. We will be divorced. Everything will be fine.” She spoke in an even, clipped tone, as if she were speaking to a child. Sometimes she felt this was the only way to get to him.

“Don’t talk to me like I’m in idiot. YOU'RE the one who made the mistake!”

A tiny smirk appeared on her face. “It gets him every time” she thought.

“Ok. I’m not doing this. I’m at work. I’ll go to the courthouse on my lunch break and I’ll call you back when I’m done. Bye!”

And with that, she hung up. She was sure she would hear more about the fact that she hung up on him later, but at this point, she did not care.

Why was he so bossy? And who did he think he was, calling her up while she was at work just to yell at her about a mistake that she did not make. She did file the papers.

“I did, right? What if I gave them to the wrong people? What if I didn’t sign them right. Oh God. This sucks. Why does he always make me second guess what I do?” She was panicking.

Although she originally did not want the divorce, now that it had been discovered that he had a mistress, she needed it to be over as soon as possible. She was not sure how she was going to get through, or even if she could, but she was anxious to give it a try.

After a few minutes of tiding up her desk, she pushed her chair back and walked into her boss’s office.

“I have to leave for an hour or so. The court is claiming they don’t have my divorce papers on file, and we’re scheduled to be in court in 3 weeks.”

“Ok…I’m sure you can just call them though, right? You don’t have to go down there.” He was trying to tell her that he did not want her gone from the office for that long.

“No, I have to go down in person. I want to make sure that I see the paperwork and that everything is ok. It needs to be done. I’m going to leave now.” Her voice was forceful, letting him know that this was not an optional request.

“Ok. Hurry back.”

“I will. Thanks.” She grabbed her purse and keys and ran out of the office.

It was a warm, sunny day in June. The sun was high and there were hardly any clouds in the sky. “A great day to go to court.” She thought to herself and laughed.

“Why did this happen?” and her conversation with God began.

“I know that I’m not the most devout person in the world, and that I have done things that you aren’t proud of, and I could live my life in a better way-but why me? Why did I have to meet him and fall in love and go through all of this? Why did you put me with him and him with me? Why did you give him a depression that crippled our lives and then heal him only to take him away again? Why God? Why is this my life? Why don’t I deserve to be happy? Can’t You grant me happiness? That’s all I want God, that’s all…please help me.”

She was crying, her silent prayer echoing in her head. As she arrived at the courthouse, she looked over at the harbor across the street. Though it had not rained, she saw a rainbow.

Clear, and strong, and vibrant.

And she knew she would be ok.

Part 11

2006-01-05T07:30:00.000-08:00

Her head was resting in his lap and he was gently caressing it, smoothing her hair behind her ear the way he liked it. The fire crackled lightly in the background, creating a song so sweet it almost brought tears to her eyes. They were in their favorite spot, softly talking about their lives and their families, and imagining what life would be like if their two worlds were to collide.

The ceiling was fashioned in wooden beams, high and majestic, yet humble at the same time. This was how she though of him: strong, handsome, yet approachable.

The resort boasted 4 stars and with its exceptional quality you could not help but be drawn to the many fireplaces that were tucked in around the various levels. The musky campfire aroma permeated the entire structure. They often ended their nights there, embraced by the warmth and the big leather couches.

"My sister's name is Nicola."

"Nicola? Are you sure? That's an awfully funny name." She laughed.

"Yeah, I know. But it is, it's Nicola. When she was born my mother wanted to name her Nicole. So they took her to be baptized and the priest wouldn't baptize her because Nicole was not an Italian name."

"Are you kidding?"

"No. I'm not. He was an old Italian priest from Jersey-did things the old way, you know? So he said, 'Name her Nicola and I'll baptize her.' And so, they legally changed her name and that's how she became Nicola."

She waited a few minutes before commenting, only because she did not yet know how he would react to her comments. She had not met any of his family, and knew that if anyone were to say bad things about her family, she would be upset. She was sure he was the same way.

"Couldn't your parents have just gone to another priest?"

"I suppose they could have, but this priest supposedly baptized lots of my family, and so they wanted him to baptize her too, you know? Kind of like tradition or something."

"I guess that makes sense, but to rename your kid just because a priest wants the name to sound Italian. Nicola isn't even a real name, is it?"

"Well, I don't know, but it is now!" He smiled down at her and kissed her nose. "I'm really going to miss you when you are gone."

"Let's not think about that now." She sighed. "But I'm going to miss you too."

"I can't imagine my life without you in it, you know. I know we just met, but you've really changed my life. You brighten my days and fill my heart with laughter. When I'm sad, I think about you and your lift my spirits. It's going to be very hard for me not to see you when I drive by Main Street. It's going to be hard not to smell your hair, or look into your pretty green eyes-to kiss your lips."A tear rolled down his cheek.

She sat up so that she was facing him, her legs in Indian style. "It's ok. We'll be ok. I'm going to miss you too, but we'll make it. Don't cry."

"It's hard for me, you know? It's hard for me to trust that you'll be back, because someone I cared about told me that before, and didn't come back at all. Not even to visit. It's hard for me to know that you are going to be different. I wish I could believe it, I want to so bad." He looked ashamed, as though she would think poorly of him for not believing in their relationship. His eyes were fixated on the fire.

"I know. But when I come back, I'm not going to be coming back just for you; I'm coming back for me too. That's the difference. She said she was coming back just for you-but she didn't want this for herself. I do. I want to be here, in this place. I want to suck up every ounce of happiness it has to offer. I want to wake up with the sun and make people smile and hear laughter and smell popcorn and dance in the streets and feel the rain. I want to be here, in this place and I want it for me. The fact that you are here makes it even sweeter. You will make being here better, but I am coming back because I love who I am when I am here."

She leaned in and kissed him softly on his forehead and nuzzled her nose to his. "I'll be back. I promise you that." She whispered.

He closed his eyes and rested his head on her shoulder. "Thank you." He whispered back. "Thank you."

They sat there entwined in each others arms for another hour, simply listening to the sound of the fire crackling and the tired guests arriving back from their busy day at the parks.

It was a sound they both loved; the sound of people on vacation, away from their normal lives. It was something that most people found hard to appreciate, but the two of them shared the passion. They loved the swoosh of the automatic doors, the shuffle of tired feet-longer for adults and quicker, more close together for the children. There was something special and unique about people who loved these sounds, and they felt lucky to have found each other.

They'd stay until the last of the guests returned from the parks. They started their day with them at the gates, and finished at the hotels. The only difference here, was that now they blended in.

Part 10

2005-12-29T07:18:00.000-08:00

Financially she knew she could not stay in the house alone after he left. Though they had not yet talked about what she would keep and what he would keep, she was certain he would be fair when it came to the house. Her concern was that her father, who had handed them land without hesitation, would be upset at the prospect of it now leaving the family.

The home was an ego boosting build, boasting four bedrooms and two and a half baths. There was a formal dining room and living room with an oversized family room and eat-in kitchen. Upon entering the home, many people could not believe that a couple so young owned it. The walls were richly painted in slate colored greens and buttery yellows. Warm hard wood floors flanked the foyer and thick velvety sage carpeting wound its way up the stairs. In the kitchen, a large double window over looked the Connecticut River. They also had a perfect view of the Essex Steam Train, a local attraction; the consistant whistling reminded them of their time in Florida.

Her heart ached at the thought of losing the house; at the thought of all of the dreams that made up each nook and cranny; each little bit of character that came through when they designed the plans. It wasn’t so about the house, but the knowledge that though dreams may come true, they do not always last.

Like the spot in her heart, which she once reserved for him, the house they built on dreams would also soon be empty.

Part 9

2005-12-15T07:13:00.000-08:00

He was working as an engineer on the steam train that day and looked particularly adorable in his light blue denim overalls. She loved the way he seemed born to drive the train-the way his soul actually glowed when he was in the cab, driving guests around the theme park on a train that was a piece of history.

On this day, the air was warmer than usual and the sun was relentlessly bright. The lack of a breeze made her skin sticky and she was very uncomfortable in her costume.

The train station was just above her work location, and when the trains were idol, she could see the engineers in their cabs. Three trains ran that day, and his was now in the station.

He tooted the whistle once, signifying that the train would be leaving shortly. It is a sound that will forever hold a special place in her heart-a high pitched steam infused toot, with the after effect of steam billowing out of the train. When she looked up at the station, he was leaning out of the cab, looking back at her.

“C’mon up!” he motioned.

She shook her head no and laughed, pointing to the turnstiles that she had to stay near.

“Come ride with me” he yelled, breaking the rules and calling attention to himself and to our courting.

“I can’t! I am not on break!” But as she said that, her relief came over and told her to take her break.

He gave her a thumbs up as he tooted the horn again, letting the conductors know that it was last call, the train would be leaving soon.

As she climbed the last step to the train station platform, he stepped out of the cab and extended his hand.

“You’re chariot awaits, my dear.” He said in his best Prince Charming voice.

She lowered her eyes and gave him her best “I want to be your Cinderella” look and finished it off with her sparkling smile. “Thank you” and she took his hand.

The inside of the train’s cab was extremely hot, as it was a true coal running steam train. Teams of 2 people drove the train in shifts throughout the day, maintaining the fire and keep a schedule. They also cooked hot dogs.

“Are you hungry?” he asked.“Yes, but I won’t have time to eat.”

“Sure you will” and he opened the hatch to reveal bright orange embers. Set on top was a tin foil packet filled with juicy hot dogs, waiting for her to indulge.

Laughing, she asked, “Did you plan this for us? A hot dog luncheon on this here train?” she asked in a Southern accent.

“Yes ma’am, I sure did! I even brought the buns!”

It was outrageously silly and off the wall things such as these that made her want to be near him. She wanted to soak up every detail of his quirky mind, of his crazy antics and unique sense of humor.

“Well, thank you. I do believe this is the craziest most original date I’ve ever had. And I love hot dogs!”

She stayed with him and his partner for 3 rounds and 2 hot dogs and then she had to go. Her shift was almost over and she wanted to be sure she relieved her friends before going home.

“Thanks again for lunch and the ride. It was a nice change. I really liked it.” She was beaming-obviously excited about the attention he was showering on her.

“Anytime. I’ll see you around, ok?” He looked around quickly, and gave her a quick kiss on the lips. It tasted salty, like the hot dogs they just ate for lunch.

As the train pulled away, she closed her green eyes and let the sounds and smells of the moment envelope her whole being, allowing her to once again appreciate how lucky she was to be standing where she was, and that the engineer of the train that was pulling away liked her.

Part 8

2005-12-08T07:32:00.000-08:00

"I'm going to start looking for a new job this week. Maybe in the city. I can live in Hoboken with my cousin until I find something of my own."

She was shocked. Although she knew that living in the same house as roommates would not be as easy at it sounded, she could not imagine having to live in their large house alone.

They built the house just four months earlier, but had been planning it for almost two years. Excitedly naive, they laid on their bed pouring over different house plans, dreaming of the children they would fill the rooms with. Modifications were made, rooms added, color swatches chosen-all for a house they were not yet even sure they could build. Her parents owned land, and talk of gifting it to her for as a wedding present made them sick with anticipation. When the time finally came, they not only knew which house they would build, but also which face plates they would have on their light switches. Life was that predictable.

"You're moving out? When?"

She couldn't help it-she sounded nervous. She hated letting him see how affected she was by the thought of being without him.

"I don't know. I have to find a job first. I can Hoboken until I find my own place if I get a job in the city. I'll just keep my things here and come back when I need them."

It irked her when he said things like that-just assuming that anything he did would be okay and that no one would ever question his thinking.

"If you move out, you're out. I can't keep having you come back and forth, never knowing when you'll be here and when you won't. That's no way to live."

"It's my house too. I'll keep things here if I want. I won't be living here and we both know I travel a lot so I won't be here for any significant amount of time. Besides, I pay for most of this house, don't forget."

He stared at her, daring her to counter him, daring her to argue so he could make her feel inferior.

And with that look, he defeated her always.

Part 7

2005-12-01T05:00:00.000-08:00

“So, have you figured it out yet? We’re in Sarasota. The beach!”

She laughed. “Yes, I figured it out. Is this the surprise? We’re going to the beach?”

“Yes, but not just any beach, this is the beach I grew up on. My parents own that condo up there and I’ve come here every year for as long as I can remember. I thought you’d like to see it. And, you haven’t seen water this blue, I am sure.”

“I’m honored to be here in your presence, on your beach, on this very day. Thank you.” She playfully said in an official sounding voice.

“Let’s go.” He said, and jumped out of the car.

They took off their shoes and ran to the sand. It was pure white, and softer than any sand her feet had ever touched. Being October, there was hardly anyone there, and it seemed as though they were the only two people in the entire world.

The water was, in fact, the bluest she’d ever seen; a beautiful hue of turquoise mixed with navy and capped with marshmallow white waves. The day was warm, but windy and the sky was crystal clear.

“You picked a perfect day for this. Thank you.” She said, and kissed him on the cheek.

He wrapped his arms around her waist and they hugged for a moment before continuing along the sand.Later, she would remember their time on the beach with fondness- remembering the pride she saw in his eyes when he shared a part of his life with her.

She’d remember how they sat in the sand, not caring about getting dirty, searching the waves for clues to their future, following the seagulls to their unknown destinations and knowing the only certainty they had in their relationship was that she was leaving in just two more months.

“Thank you.” She whispered, as they watched the sun retire in its pink and orange splendor.

“Thank you.”

Part 6

2005-11-17T00:55:00.000-08:00

"Hey! How are you today?" His voice exploded from the receiver. She could hear his smile in his words as she closed her eyes and imaged his sweet face.

He was not someone people would call handsome, nor was he ugly. The word often used when describing him was "cute". Being only 5'9", he was shorter than the average man, but what he lacked in height he made up for in girth. Not rotund, but plump; he filled in his clothing well. He was the type of man women loved to hug, often comparing him to a teddy bear.His skin was fare, coming from his English mum, but hid a tinge of honey-this from his Italian father. His hair was sandy and thin, soft to the touch, and kept short.

She loved his button nose; the curl of the nostril so fluid and distinct that she wanted to kiss it every time they met.And of course, she loved his lips. Light pink flesh, plump and soft, always slightly parted, ready to dish out a sarcastic quip or silly comeback. And always ready to love her, for as long as she would let him.

"Hi! This is a surprise! I thought you were working today."

"I was, but I got someone to switch with me so I could spend the day with you. Do you have plans?" He asked as if he already knew that she did not.

"I do now." She replied. "Did you have something in mind?"

"Yes. It's a surprise though. Be ready in 20 minutes, ok cutie?"She loved it when he used pet names for her, which broke every rule she had on dating stereotypes and name-calling.

"Ok. I'll be ready. I can't wait!"

She ran into her room and looked in the mirror. Luckily, she planned on going shopping, and so she just finished doing her hair. All she had to do was find the perfect outfit for a surprise date and she would be ready.The light purple v-neck dress with flowers from Old Navy was her choice, with white slip on sandals to show off her newly painted toes. She also knew that he loved this dress, and was looking forward to seeing his expression when she opened the door. As a last minute touch, she sprayed on her favorite perfume, and dabbed on lip gloss.

"Where are we going!?!" She playfully begged. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet??"

He laughed. It felt good to be in his car, making him laugh, seeing him so carefree. Being with him at work was fun, but this was different. Knowing him alone, without guests around and without their friends, was special. He was different-kinder, more gentle. And definitely less restrained.

"I'm not telling you, and no we are not there yet, and if you don't stop asking I'm going to pull over and make you walk!" He joked, as he took her hand and kissed it. "You'll like it, I know. So just trust me, ok?"

"I do."

He visablly blushed.

"What? Why are you blushing?" She giggled, though she did not know what she could have done, or what he could be thinking that would have made him blush.

"I liked it when you said that just now. 'I do' I'd like to hear you say that at a later date." He looked over at her and smiled.

"Oh. Well. Thank you."

Just the fact that she didn't know what to say made her wonder, for yet another time, why he chose her. She made a mental note to ask him the next time something like this happened. For now, she only wanted to remember what it was like sitting in his car, sharing his life and being the object of his affection.

Part 5

2005-11-10T06:53:00.000-08:00

It was a cool, clear October night in Florida. The stars were shining brightly and there was a full moon. The air smelled damp and swampy.The resort was beautiful. She had never been on the grounds; only in the lobby when switching monorails. The entrance was flanked by 2 large coy ponds, each containing at least 10 fish. The valet circle had torches buring to light the way for its guests. Behind the resort there were winding trails all bordered by various tropical plants and rock gardens. They walked by a pool with a built in volcano on the way to the beach.There were hammocks among the palm trees. The swayed in the cool air, begging to be used.

“If we sit on at the end of the dock over there we can watch the fireworks over the castle. It’s actually a really good place to watch them.” He said, wanting to impress her with his knowledge.

“Wow! That’s great! I’d love to.” She was eager to see all things new while on her internship, and she hadn’t yet seen the fireworks from anywhere other than Main Street USA, where she worked.

“You know, I really like you. I do think you are beautiful and funny and smart, and I’d like you to be my girlfriend this semester.”

“What do you mean this semester? Do you mean you just want to have your way with me and then forget me?”

“No” he implored, “I want to be with you for a long, long time. I just know that you won’t come back for me, and so I’m prepared to just love you for one semester.”

She looked away. She heard stories of his last girlfriend who was also on the College Program, and also worked on Main Street USA. She promised him that she’d come back, and she didn’t. He was taking another chance when he pursued her now, she knew.

“I can’t tell you if I’d come back or not, but I can tell you I like you too. And that I would do almost anything for love, and if you are ‘the one’ and we’re meant to be together, we will make it work.”

“I want to believe you, I do..”

“So believe.”

He was standing now. He pulled her out of her chair, and held her close to his body. His warmth filled her up, made her quiver with anticipation. His forehead was touching hers, his eyes searching her soul.

“If I kiss you now, my whole life will change.” He whispered, his breath caressing her cheeks.

“Then be sure you want it badly enough.”

And with that, he kissed her.

His lips gently brushed hers at first, feeling her softness, learning her countours with his tongue. As his confidence grew, his kiss became harder, more urgent, needing her to read his emotions, to know that he already loved her.When the kiss was over, he tilted his head back to look at her face.

Her eyes were closed; lips still slightly parted, swollen from the passion he transferred from his own lips just moments ago.“Was that ok?” he asked.

S he had no words, so she she kissed him again.

Part 4

2005-11-03T07:09:00.000-08:00

“Are you going to be home on Saturday?” She asked. Her voice shakey, knowing what she was about to verbalize. Knowing that saying it out loud to him made the decision real.

“Yeah, why?”

“You’re being served.” And it was done.

He stared at her for a minute. His grey blue eyes were sunken in from the stress of his depression, of his job; his deception. He looked small and frail, and she couldn’t help wanting to hug him, even though he was the reason the words had to be spoken.

“I want us to remain family” she said. “I don’t want this to be ugly. You’re important to me and I want you to know that.”

His eyes moved past hers now, through her, into another world. The world she suspected he wanted to share with his Mexican Mistress.“Ok. We’ll treat each other like family.” He muttered, sticking out his jaw.

“Be home ok? I don’t want to have to pay this guy twice.”

“I’ll be here, don’t worry. I want this thing done quickly, remember?”

She sighed. “Yeah. I remember. I’m going to take a bath.”

Upstairs in the master bedroom, she drew her bath. Her pale, silky skin turned red when it touched the heat of the lavendar scented water. As she sank deeper into the tub, she closed her eyes and tried to remember what her life was like when he loved her back.

Part 3

2005-10-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

"You know, it looks like you went to the wrong costume window." He said as he filled the empty seat across from her. Her heart skipped its beat.

"Why does my heart respond to him this way? I don't even know him."

"What are you talking about?" She knew he was playing, but she didn't yet understand the joke.

"Your socks. The stripes...the rolled up jeans...you look like you work at Pirates." He thought the punch line was funnier than it was. Although it was midly annoying, seeing him laugh, watching his face come alive made her heart sing.

"You are very funny." She said in a flat voice with a straight face. And then she looked away. He thought she was hurt.

"Awww, c'mon-I was just kidding! I love your socks. They let me know you are a little....zany! You know, different from all the other CP's."

She liked that she was a part of a group-a group that had an abbreviated name: "CP" which was short for "College Program". What she liked even more was that she stood out of the group, and that he noticed.

This time, when she looked away, it was because she was blushing.

They were joined then by the the others-just let out from their shifts, all drained from a long day of smiles and sunshine. Everyone piled around- some squished into the booth-and all were laughing, making jokes, and planning their next stop. He was the center of attention, and she couldn't figure out why on earth he liked her.

"So are we going to Perkins first or are we going to PI first?" someone asked him.

Without missing a beat he found her green eyes through the sea of browns and blues and said, "The only thing I know is that I'm going to make her my girl this semester."

Questions...so many questions ran through her head...

"Did he really say that out loud?" But the people staring at her told her yes.

"Should I say something?" His unwavering gaze gave her the answer.

"Am I allowed to feel this excited about his interest?" Her heart still does not know.

Unable to hide her smile she sarcastically replied, "I don't think my boyfriend would like that very much" and walked away as he pretended to clutch his heart and he slid to the floor, not knowing that years later, this is how their love would end.

Part 2

2005-10-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

"Do you wear contacts?" he asked.

"Yes. Why do you ask?"

"That explains it."

"What? What explains what?"

"I've never seen anyone with prettier green eyes before."

The corner of his mouth turned up, and he stared at her in a playful way.

"Oh" she giggled, looking down with embarassment. "Thanks...but they're real. They're not colored."

The only words she heard in the next hour of training were those of his compliment. The other new girl, a rather geeky, plump girl with bad teeth, listened to him intently as he trained them on the S.O.P. She would later learn that this was the moment he thought he "knew".

"Does your boyfriend at home know you brought those eyes down here?" Again, his mouth turned up but this time, his eyes danced.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure he knows, considering they're not there looking at him!"

"Right...very true." And he walked away.

"He was just testing to see if you were single." Geek girl said. "I think he likes you."

She didn't know it meant to be liked by another boy. Sure, other people flirted with her, but they all knew her boyfriend, and all knew how "together" they were.

This boy knew nothing except the color of her eyes.

And she liked that.

Part 1

2005-10-14T07:48:00.000-07:00

She knew even before he walked in the door what was going to happen. She could sense it-long before he told her his doubts-maybe even before they said their vows. It was something she kept deep inside of her, hoping no one would take the time to look; to take the time to see the wounds she kept hidden.

The door opened and his eyes darted past hers. Cold air blew violently through the hallway, letting her know he was leaving again; he hadn't shut the garage door.

She stood still, barely breathing, not knowing what to do. "How has it come to this?" she thought. "This isn't supposed to be my life."

"Hey" he said, in his newly learned coolness. "I'm going to throw in some laundry and then we can talk."

"Ok." she mumbled, already thinking of what she was going to do to survive when he left.Later in the garage, he sat in his chair smoking his God awful cigars-the ones that he insisted on smoking, mainly, she was sure, because he knew she hated them so much. She sat on the step, hugging the banister-her only comfort, the cold, splintery wood.

"You're the best friend I've ever had. And probably the best friend I ever will have. You make me laugh, and I know you'd do anything for anyone who needed something."

He took more time to puff. More time, she thought, to torture her; to keep control over her because he knew that he could.

"But I'm not in love with you anymore." And with that, he let out all of the smoke he was holding inside, in a slow, methodical way.

She cried instantly-something she rarely did when faced with sadness. Tears rolled down her cheeks, freezing before they reached her chin leaving salty lines etched on her skin. She couldn't say anything except "Are you sure?" and realized this was absurd, even while speaking the words.

His neck stiffened and he stuck his jaw out-a gesture she hated for no reason at all. "Yes." He said, "I'm sure."

"Does that mean you want a divorce?" she whispered, barely audible, her voice choked back with tears.

Again, he stiffened and shook his head "yes".

It's hard to say what happened to her in the few seconds after she watched his answer spiral toward her through the air. She became numb, that is for sure, and her body floated-disconnected from the life she was currently living. She got a splinter from gripping the railing so hard. A tiny drop of blood came to the surface of her finger and she put it to her lips drinking in the life that was spilling from her.

"I don't want this to happen." She cried. "It can't happen."

"I can't stay married. I'm not sure I am supposed to be married to anyone."

"Is there someone else?"

No one but she would have detected it, but he paused just slightly, the way he always did when he lied. "No" he said, his neck stiff, another tell tale clue of his deceit.

She ran into the house, knowing that her fairy tale had ended, that her foot was too big to fit in the sacred glass slipper. Unable to see through her tears, she crashed into the wall, and slid to the floor. She was sobbing when he found her and together they sat in the hallway, on opposite walls, sitting on the floor.

"I'm sorry" he said. "I can't live this lie anymore. I just can't pretend that this life is for me."

She looked at him then, knowing that the man she fell in love with didn't move back home with her-realizing that he remained only in her memories of the year when fairy tales were her life.

"Ok." She said. "What's the plan? What are we going to do?"

His plan, she learned, was mapped out months ago. He'd stay for a while until he found a new place. "The house is big enough" he claimed. Then he'd move away, taking only what he needed and she would keep the rest.

What he didn't know was that no house was ever big enough-that there would not be enough space between them for a long, long time, and that "the rest" was a lot to handle alone.